El Banditos and the Child.

[GM Seriosa]

. .

 

[GM Seriosa]

Anyone has read it yet? I might remove it so read it fast X'D . I don't know why I wrote this ... Was really late, and I was really bored..

 

[Teddy]

hehe good ^^

 

[GM Seriosa]

Haha, really? Thank you

 

[Mc-Pedro]

Woah, horrible.
1. Too much dialogs.
2. Horrible grammar.

 

[Mokerhamer]

Woah, horrible.
1. Too much dialogs.
2. Horrible grammar.

Mc-Pedro be a bit nicer, he said it was his first story.

A long time ago, in the desert city named 'Al Qasido' there was a clan, a bandit clan, named "El Banditos". These bandits was very dangerous, and they lived in the dead city, called "Qapeso". Nobody wanted to live there, because of El Banditos. The clan had murdered tons of family's, kids & parents.

1. The live in 2 city's at the same time?

2. I like the story, but it's to fast, he founded a friend that wanted to fight with him way to fast he should challange the guy or something.

3. Use an older type of english to make the story more realistic it would help a lot.

4. Give more details about there surounding so i can have a bether picture of it.

5.In the old days the belived in witches/ghosts cyclops etc.. try to involve that to use mythes to make it a bit interesting.

6. Use more , . ! ? shouthing whispered etc in the story.

7. Give a discription of the headplayer so we know how he looks like like hair colour, eye is he dirty or clean etc.. and give a bit of description about the background of his friend.

I hope this helped you.. i really liked the story but it was hard to get a picture in my head about how there surounding was so it wasent that interesting.

Keep up the great work!

//Mokerhamer

 

[GM Seriosa]

Woah, horrible.
1. Too much dialogs.
2. Horrible grammar.

Which grammar is wrong? And yeah, I know it is.. I wrote it 02.20 AM or something... FOR FUN! And my first time.. But still, your story's aint so good either. Good luck MC-Pedro.

Mc-Pedro be a bit nicer, he said it was his first story.




1. The live in 2 city's at the same time?

2. I like the story, but it's to fast, he founded a friend that wanted to fight with him way to fast he should challange the guy or something.

3. Use an older type of english to make the story more realistic it would help a lot.

4. Give more details about there surounding so i can have a bether picture of it.

5.In the old days the belived in witches/ghosts cyclops etc.. try to involve that to use mythes to make it a bit interesting.

6. Use more , . ! ? shouthing whispered etc in the story.

7. Give a discription of the headplayer so we know how he looks like like hair colour, eye is he dirty or clean etc.. and give a bit of description about the background of his friend.

I hope this helped you.. i really liked the story but it was hard to get a picture in my head about how there surounding was so it wasent that interesting.

Keep up the great work!

//Mokerhamer

Thank your Mokerhamer, I won't be doing story's though.. Thanks for the tips anyways! (This was for fun, I was so damn bored).

 

[Mc-Pedro]

Mc-Pedro be a bit nicer, he said it was his first story.




1. The live in 2 city's at the same time?

2. I like the story, but it's to fast, he founded a friend that wanted to fight with him way to fast he should challange the guy or something.

3. Use an older type of english to make the story more realistic it would help a lot.

4. Give more details about there surounding so i can have a bether picture of it.

5.In the old days the belived in witches/ghosts cyclops etc.. try to involve that to use mythes to make it a bit interesting.

6. Use more , . ! ? shouthing whispered etc in the story.

7. Give a discription of the headplayer so we know how he looks like like hair colour, eye is he dirty or clean etc.. and give a bit of description about the background of his friend.

I hope this helped you.. i really liked the story but it was hard to get a picture in my head about how there surounding was so it wasent that interesting.

Keep up the great work!

//Mokerhamer

Sorry, didn't see that it was his first story.

 

[Ferchox]

the band should call: La bandita xD (The little band in spanish)

 

[Mc-Pedro]

Which grammar is wrong? And yeah, I know it is.. I wrote it 02.20 AM or something... FOR FUN! And my first time.. But still, your story's aint so good either. Good luck MC-Pedro.

You haven't read any of my newest stories, because I haven't published them.
And about the grammar.
"They took some more bread and water, and leaved the boat.. The small City was really dark, and had many destroyed houses.. The feeling they felt, was not good.. not good at all"

When I opened the thread, I saw that error, how couldn't you?


I won the ****** award 2008 best storywriter for a reason you know.

 

[Emeo]

I liked it... Was interesting, especially the end.

 

[GM Seriosa]

You haven't read any of my newest stories, because I haven't published them.
And about the grammar.
"They took some more bread and water, and leaved the boat.. The small City was really dark, and had many destroyed houses.. The feeling they felt, was not good.. not good at all"

When I opened the thread, I saw that error, how couldn't you?


I won the ****** award 2008 best storywriter for a reason you know.

Sorry for that misspelling then. Oh, you won the best story writer contest.. Kinda easy, aint it? I didn't see any other people writing story's.

And I don't care if you won here, you aint as good as you think. Please register yourself in a real Story Writing forum, or ask people which writes story's constantly and such.. Ask them how good you are, I don't think you will win a contest there, kid.

And I'm not saying I'm better than you, but you think your better than you are, Pedro.

And for everyone else who likes it, thank you!

 

[Mokerhamer]

Sorry for that misspelling then. Oh, you won the best story writer contest.. Kinda easy, aint it? I didn't see any other people writing story's.

And I don't care if you won here, you aint as good as you think. Please register yourself in a real Story Writing forum, or ask people which writes story's constantly and such.. Ask them how good you are, I don't think you will win a contest there, kid.

And I'm not saying I'm better than you, but you think your better than you are, Pedro.

And for everyone else who likes it, thank you!

Well i hope you get bored fast.. because i'm waiting for version 2 and maby 3 with approvements!

 

[Mc-Pedro]

Sorry for that misspelling then. Oh, you won the best story writer contest.. Kinda easy, aint it? I didn't see any other people writing story's.

And I don't care if you won here, you aint as good as you think. Please register yourself in a real Story Writing forum, or ask people which writes story's constantly and such.. Ask them how good you are, I don't think you will win a contest there, kid.

And I'm not saying I'm better than you, but you think your better than you are, Pedro.

And for everyone else who likes it, thank you!

I'ma say it again, you haven't read any of my latest stories
It's orgasm warning.

 

[GM Seriosa]

I'ma say it again, you haven't read any of my latest stories
It's orgasm warning.

If you say so When will you show us them?

Well i hope you get bored fast.. because i'm waiting for version 2 and maby 3 with approvements!

Cool! I'm not bored yet tho..

 

[Mc-Pedro]

If you say so When will you show us them?



Cool! I'm not bored yet tho..

When the book is released.

 

[GM Seriosa]

When the book is released.

Well.. When will the book get released?

 

[Archez]

I hope soon, I want to read something from Mc-Pedro !

 

[Zisly]

You haven't read any of my newest stories, because I haven't published them.
And about the grammar.
"They took some more bread and water, and leaved the boat.. The small City was really dark, and had many destroyed houses.. The feeling they felt, was not good.. not good at all"

When I opened the thread, I saw that error, how couldn't you?


I won the ****** award 2008 best storywriter for a reason you know.

Haha, like thats something big, go to a real story writing community and see what "real" writers think.
And people voted for you because there were/is only 2 story writers, and your just more "known".
"When the book is released."
Don't think too high of yourself.
You make it sound like your an real writer, your gonna sell the "book" online?,contacted any book companies?

Ont: Shouldn't the title be "Los Banditos" (the bandits)?

 

[Mc-Pedro]

Haha, like thats something big, go to a real story writing community and see what "real" writers think.
And people voted for you because there were/is only 2 story writers, and your just more "known".
"When the book is released."
Don't think too high of yourself.
You make it sound like your an real writer, your gonna sell the "book" online?,contacted any book companies?

Ont: Shouldn't the title be "Los Banditos" (the bandits)?

Nope, the book will be sold in stores.