I think its up to me to tell the funny jokes and make this thread a bit funnier...
Here we go:
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!
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I never really found out why the male and female sex drive is so different.
I've never even figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I never found out why men think with my head between my legs and the women with their hearts.
For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I went to bed.
Passion starts to heat up, and she at last says:
- I do not feel like it, I just want you to hold me.
I said:
- WHAT?! what was that?!
So she says the words every husband dreads to hear:
- You are not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman, for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.
She responded to my asking by saying:
- Can not you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?
When I realized that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The next day I took a day off work to be with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big shopping center.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She could not decide which she would take, so I told her that she could take them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes.
So I said we get a pair for each outfit.
We then went to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Allow me to say .. She was so excited!
She must have thought I was one step from the mental hospital.
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all the shopping.
With a huge smile she finally said:
- I think this is all dear, let's go and pay.
I could hardly contain myself when I finally said:
- No honey, I do not feel it.
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled:
- WHAT?
I said:
- Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You do not have sufficient contact with my financial needs as a man, that I should be able to satisfy you as a woman.
Then when she looked like she was going to kill me, I continued:
- Why can not you love me for who I am instead of those things I buy you?
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More to come
